When I was in my early twenties, I felt a very strong pressure to "perform well" during sex. I had grown up on movies and shows that had the woman riding her partner like an Amazonian warrior: confident, skilled, sleek, intuitively knowing what her partner needed and vice versa without any exchange of words, oh and usually climaxing within seconds. It wasn't until I saw Lena Dunham's TV show "Girls" that I realized sex could be messy and clumsy without disrupting its intimacy. Perhaps it's not connected to consent in a very obvious way, but I think this realization and the way that sex was portrayed in this show created the space for words and explanations, for uncomfortable moments and thereby, for me, it made it more acceptable and comfortable to tell the person I'm sleeping with what I want or what I don't want. For me this made a really important difference to my sex life.Thank you!
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You know what is striking?
So many people have some kind of experience with their sexual boundaries being crossed. Or with crossing someone else’s sexual boundaries.
This calls for action: we need to find better ways of educating how to understand and respect each other's boundaries.
One way is by sharing our personal stories so that others can learn from them. So tell us about your experiences with sexual consent: big or small, good or bad, deliberate or unintentional, incidental or within a long-term relationship, whether you were wrong or wronged, if it’s rare or something that happens so frequently that it has become an inherent part of our society...
Whatever your experience, your story is welcome here.
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It was a pleasant night at a friend's place, with my whole tight group of friends from uni. At the time, we were all in our early twenties and we were exploring our sexuality and possible matches among the members of the group through classics spanning from "spin the bottle" to "have you ever."
That night I noticed that one of my girl friends was being a little more physical with me than usual, which combined with the extremely good chemistry we had quickly led me to interpret the situation as a sexual signal. The two of us ended up sleeping in the same bed, which was nothing weird: it had already happened plenty of times without it being a sexual encounter. Then, I realized that I would like to have sex with her and encouraged by the alcohol combined with her signals, I started gently stroking her head and getting closer. She did not reject me, but she didn't respond either. I was sure her silence was a sign of approval and that she was actually enjoying the moment.
I then started touching her body. But from the moment my hand reached the lower part of her breast, her silence started being loudly awkward. When I started fingering her, she immediately stiffened and after a bunch of seconds she removed my hand and told me she wasn't into what I was doing.
I immediately froze and realized she hadn't been feeling at ease from the beginning. I felt extremely sorry and ashamed, and we fell asleep in different corners of the bed without discussing it. The morning after, we talked it out. I explained that I was sure she was sending me signals, but apparently it was only my perception. She accepted and appreciated my apologies, but her face wasn't on the same page - she looked really shaken.
Talking it out when it was still fresh kept our friendship alive, but I wish I would have expressed my feelings that night before having tried such a direct approach. I am really proud of her for speaking out right away in such a delicate and overwhelming situation, and amazed by the strength and self-awareness she showed. If it wasn't for her, I would have gone further and it would have become an unerasable mistake.
Seduction is a matter of personal perception, but I've learnt that it should always be accompanied by communication, rather than defined as "having courage" and crossing social boundaries.
I feel like it's quite common that men might start playing with other men who are basically passed out or barely conscious or at least not in a position to be able to consent or not to sexual touch.
I remember an incident in a darkroom at a gay party where one guy was playing with another guy and the guy was obviously very high and not really conscious and the guy suggested I join in and I felt uncomfortable and asked if he'd asked the guy if it was okay and he said no. I asked the guy who was being fondled if he minded this other guy playing with him and he said no.
I feel like a lot of men at sex parties only consider consent insofar as they'll only take a firm no as an answer and otherwise assume that everything's okay. They'll touch you first and only stop if you push them away as opposed to asking first. I've been victim to this on numerous occasions but, to be honest, it's the norm as far as darkrooms go.
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